For the following two weeks, I declare that I am a Progressive.

Therefore:

I am only to be held accountable for my stated intentions, which shall be considered noble and selfless in nature (my actual intentions are none of your damned business, now that you ask.)

I demand that those who are not me or approved explicitly by me must be held accountable for absolute perfection.

By demonstrating the appropriate level of hatred for anything conservative in nature, and by demonstrating my command of that snide, know-it-all sneer, I demand to be called a comedian.

For those of you not explicitly exempted by me, my whim is your command, and all desires of mine, previously known as “wants,” are now deemed to be “rights.”

For the rest of you, go and sin no more.